Monday, June 7, 2010

Choices - "Fair or Unfair"

My beautiful pet dog, a Rottweiler whom we fondly named as “Princess Zsa Zsa” came to live with us when she was only four months old. She was my son’s pet before he went to the college. Now of course the job of raising this dog came on my shoulder when he left. I grew to love her more each day and we have established a bond that only we could understand.

As time goes, she became bigger and stronger and before I knew it, her strength overpowered me. I saw lots of bruises on my arms and legs and once while playing with her, she got excited and pounced on my face and actually barely missed my left eye. I felt an excruciating pain and I quickly took an ice bag to relieve the swell. It was an accident but I began to realize that she’s getting really big and strong. I couldn’t handle her if I would take her out for walks because she would drag me.

I knew that she needed to go to obedient school but because of my heavy schedule I kept on postponing it and now she’s almost a year old. My schedule for the year is still very full and I was wondering what should I do. At this time, our church drug rehabilitation center lost their dog and they were asking if they could have Zsa Zsa (knowing that she is getting too big for me).

After weeks of consideration I decided to give it a try. (that is after lots of considerations and lots of thinking). I took her to the center and spent a day there. The moment we arrived, she dashed out into the open field and ran with all her might. Her half brother, “Tiger” who was only three months old was also there to play with her. I saw immediate bond between them and she has never been so happy.

After that day, my heart was more willing to let her go and I did. But I was undermining the attachment I have with her. For the next three days, I was crying each time I saw her pictures and thinking how she has been in the new place. I called to ask about her and they always give me positive answers but I was not convinced.

Finally after the weekend, Ian, my son came back for holiday and we decided to bring her home for a visit. I was elated and was all smile that finally I could see her again. And I kept on repeating to myself that she should miss me and I knew that I did.

When she was finally home, I saw in her eyes that bond that we used to have. She walked slowly to me and immediately fell into my embrace and we hugged and kissed. For the first time she actually walked to me and sat on my lap quietly, allowing me to stroke her gently and to speak to her like I always use to. Tears welled up my eyes and I knew that this bond can never be broken.

I spent the whole night talking and playing with her. She was much gentler now and quieter. For whatever reason, I knew that this is not herself. She was happy to be with me yet she should be happier there with so many people around her and so much space for her to move. (whereas my house has very limited space for her to even run).

I knew I have to make the final decision. As much as I loved her and missed her, she doesn’t belong here. She needs space and the people who have time to take care of her and to be her companion.

Given a choice, I would like to keep her and would take her to the obedient school; but seeing that she’s happier there, am I making the right decision? If I am a pet lover, will I confine her movement just to keep her close to me? There are times when I am busy with a heavy schedule, she will have to be alone till I finished my work at night, then only she got to see me and to play with me. Of course she brought much comfort and joy to me but am I doing the same to her?

Finally, I decided that she’s better off with the people in the drug rehab center who could give her the full attention that she needed. I may miss her greatly but I know that I cannot be selfish.

In our lives, we have lots of decisions to make: decisions that may affect us greatly and may even cause anger and dissatisfactions. We think that it is only fair that we feel happy and comfortable with whatever decision therein as long as we are happy but today I saw decision making with a different view. I battle with the thought of being “selfish” just to keep her close to me, knowing that she’s better off with the other party. But now I am thinking is she happy with me or with them?

The answer is obvious and I am willing to LET GO because I love her too much to make her unhappy. Sometimes we need to learn this lesson of “LETTING GO” because of love. We let our children go in order to allow them to grow (though we would think that it is better off if we continue to make decisions for them); we let go of our painful past in order to move on (to allow the other party to live on as well). Do not wrestle with the thought “fair” or “unfair” because this will only deepen some hurts and bring us into deeper depression.

Walk out and let go! When I did that, I realized that my heart is at peace and I knew that though I will miss her, she’s never far from my heart.

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